Well, this is not my usual book related blog post. If you couldn’t tell from the title, there is talk about miscarriage, so if that’s a trigger for you, please feel free to skip this article. I hesitated on writing this because during this time, it almost feels like shouting into a void. Who wants to hear about miscarriage, anger, or anxiety during this time? Probably nobody, but as I’ve been prone to do in times of stress, I figured that writing about it may be therapeutic for me.
I have been angry for weeks now. Let me explain.
I found out a few weeks ago that my body was preparing to miscarry. I had suspected it for longer than that, as I had slight cramps and a bit of spotting. An appointment with my absolutely fantastic and caring OBGYN confirmed that my fear was true. A fear that had manifested since the moment I got pregnant. As secrets tend to do, the news of my pregnancy naturally spread to others. I have miscarried before in my life and the more people that know, the more people you personally have to tell if you do miscarry. Gentle reminder: do not spread news if it isn’t your news to spread. It can be painful to others in the long run, even if you had the best intentions. If you didn’t know I was pregnant, since I intended on sharing publicly at a later date, sorry that you found out this way. I decided to share this because there isn’t a shame in pregnancy or miscarriage and it’s MY decision to do so at this time. I feel a lot of women consider it taboo to talk about, especially when the pregnancy wasn’t entirely public, but there’s such a large percentage of us that experience one. I do not talk about my experience to garner sympathy, though that’s not to say I don’t appreciate the kind sentiments people have extended to me. I do this to shed some light on a few things, mostly, compassion for others during this pandemic.
Anyways, after the diagnosis, then began the waiting. In the midst of a global pandemic, I was waiting to lose my pregnancy. My fears mounted as two weeks passed. I started having moments of panic as I thought about the possibility of having to go to a hospital to “clear out” the pregnancy with a D&C. As a severe asthmatic and a mom, I’m already afraid of getting this virus and the worst happening. Going to the hospital was the last thing I wanted, I hoped every day that my body would proceed with the miscarriage naturally. The anxiety of a global pandemic, the loss of a wanted child, waiting for that loss, telling my son that he isn’t going to be a big brother for a bit all just CRASHED over me. Every news article pounded the anxiety deeper. Each joke about quarantine babies made me retreat into myself. I found it hard to breathe most days. Finally, the bleeding started. The relief that I felt has been mixed with the physical and mental pain of a miscarriage. It’s not pretty, it’s not neat. It’s grueling, messy, and painful. And as the emotions of this process subside, my anger builds.
Do you know why I am angry? It isn’t the loss of the pregnancy. That makes me sad and at times, depressed, but not angry. It’s the people that don’t put themselves in other people’s shoes. You see posts about people judging others for going to the grocery store, or even saying the stores should be shut down completely, because they SHOULD HAVE stocked up. Come on, a smart person knows that’s not always possible. There’s a large amount of people that live paycheck to paycheck. There’s unexpected moments where people need things they never thought they would: like say, pads, which they haven’t worn since they gave birth to their child but need for the mess that a miscarriage causes. Or maybe liquid stitches for cuts so they can avoid the germs a hospital may expose them to. The expensive formula for their baby that most young parents can’t avoid to stockpile. We should not blame people for surviving. Be compassionate and realize that every situation isn’t the same, realize that some people are dealing with more than just a pandemic at home. Blanket statements aren’t helpful during this time.
I’m angry because while the majority of people I hold dearly take this seriously, I have seen acquaintances posting on Snapchat and other social media saying things like “sorry not sorry, I’m not social distancing” while drinking with their friends. Yes, this is still effing happening. They really have to audacity to be such self-serving little twats that they’ll comfortably post about their jackassery. I can’t imagine the privilege they must have to not worry about anyone’s health or wellbeing around them. Then, those people are going out to the grocery stores that other people NEED to go to, or to places to get carry-out after they’ve been partying with their friends and potentially spreading this virus. The essential workers at these stores are put in more danger by these uncaring people. I’m angry because those people still let themselves loose on the world while my son is at home for weeks in a row wondering why he can’t go to my parent’s house like he does every Monday. I’m angry because my parents aren’t the pinnacle of health, and I wonder if one of these selfish idiots, that won’t stay away from other people, is going to pass them this virus. As my parents continue to work, with my mom working with the public, I can’t help but think about the worst case scenario of my son never getting to hug them again and having to explain to him why. I’m angry because my husband’s 85 year old great-grandparents that have kept themselves in amazing health are at risk simply because of their age and have to stay away from their beautiful and booming family because people would rather drink with their friends. I’m OUTRAGED that my husband’s great-grandmother will be spending her 86th birthday, when every year is precious, not surrounded by family. I’m sad that my pregnant and new parent friends have to distance themselves from their spouses, that they can’t rely on the support of their families in the new world that parenthood is. I’m pissed that nurses that I love are sacrificing their own health, reusing PPE to care for hoards of people that are exposed, many of those exposed from people not taking proper precautions. I won’t even get into how angry I am at our President for the way he’s handled this and treated our medical professionals, because we all have our opinions about him. I’m not going to change yours and you won’t change mine. I’m angry that I’m afraid to go to my important check-up with my OBGYN because of other people not taking proper precautions. I’m angry that my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws are worrying about their students with troubled home lives for a longer period of time… for an undetermined amount of time. That the summers of billions of families are up in the air because people won’t listen. My life and other people’s lives are at risk because you can’t fucking FaceTime your damn friends or *gasp* drink alone like the rest of us during this. You think I want to sit in my house and stare into a glass of wine while I’m dealing with a miscarriage? No. I would like to take comfort in friends and family. But I have been and I will continue to and I’ll do my damndest to get through this and stay healthy and keep other people healthy because I CARE AND IT ISN’T ALL ABOUT ME. People are dealing with shit on top of this pandemic. Stop thinking about yourself. We are all dealing with shitty circumstances but it’s a real bummer when people are doing everything right just to watch the selfish people do whatever they feel like. There’s people catching this and dealing with those WORST CASE SCENARIO consequences. I want our nurses to get a break, to have the proper supplies and enough beds, so they’re not fearing for their own lives and watching countless people suffer. I want our new moms in the next few months to have the opportunity to have their family around them. I want people to be able to go to important doctor’s appointments without fear. I want my naturally social son to be able to continue to his routine of being surrounded by our large and loving family. I want our teachers and students lives to regain normalcy and for these students to take shelter in the safety that a school system provides. I want our grandparents to celebrate their lives with their families. I want all of my friends in the service industry to be able to go back to their livelihood in a timely fashion, when it is safe for them to do so.
Make no mistake, I am not blaming the spread of this on people that are doing their part to stay safe and keep others safe. For those that didn’t take it seriously, now is the time to do your part. You can go for walks and get fresh air to keep the cabin fever away. You can go to the grocery store while still protecting yourself as best as possible. Keep your house isolated from people that don’t live in your household. Say hi to people from a distance when you pass them but follow social distancing rules. Don’t be around the public for longer than necessary. Play games over FaceTime and apps. Do your best for the people that are already doing their best. These are all things we have heard a million times, it’s sad that we have to reiterate this. You should care that there’s people out there desperately worried about their loved ones even if you don’t personally feel the stress of that. You can say that people are being dramatic, that the chance you or your loved ones will get it is low, but I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there that felt the same way that are now dealing with the consequences. I bet there’s plenty that took it seriously and are dealing with the consequences of others not.
If you got this far, thank you for letting me rant. I don’t want to be angry. There’s so much good that people are doing during this time. Be a part of that.